Yesterday was a strange day.
I can tell my meds are working, because any other day when I felt like I did would’ve meant a downward spiral was speeding up. Instead, I stayed at a level that wasn’t bad. I wasn’t particularly motivated, but I still did get some writing done.
That took a bit to start, as I’d received a rejection early in the day. I’ve still got a couple of queries out there, one of which has me hopeful. Pre-meds, though…yeah, I would’ve sat on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, binge watched a few movies, and not even opened up the file for ‘Sword & Soul’.
At some point, Muse was at my office window. This is pretty normal. She likes to sit with it open, breathe some fresh air. Talk to the birds (she’s got an absolutely adorable bird chirp!). I went over and looked at the lilac bush.
There were buds on it. New life showing me it had survived the winter.
Growing up, we had a lilac bush in the back yard. It never got big, or gave off many blossoms, but I remember it well. I love the smell. To me, it represents the promise of spring. A renewal of life, a reminder that the darkness eventually fades and gives over to better things.
We’ve lived here for over 19 years. I’ve wanted a bush, but it never got planted. There’s a variety of reasons why that I don’t want to go into. Last summer, though, I got one. The first one fell apart in my hands as I tried to plant it. The branch of the start had no roots attached. Went back to the store, got a new one. It wasn’t much better, and died within weeks.
Then, we found one at a hardware store. It was in a pot, well established, and had leaves on it. Brought it home, dug out the old one, and planted it.
Keep in mind, I do not have a green thumb in any way. The only reason I have 3 plants in the house is they’re behind my kitchen sink where I can’t forget to water them. Even with that, I think 1 of the 2 bamboo plants is dead. The other might need to be repotted.
So, I watched it. Tried to remember to water it into August and September. Saw it get buried under the snow; small bare branches reaching through, covered in ice.
To see the buds on it yesterday…know it survived the winter…gave me a rush of happiness. I hadn’t killed it off.
Right now, my life’s kinda messy. I’m dealing with things from decades ago that I buried deep down because that was the only way to deal with the pain. I’m recognizing that my depression and anxiety come from ignoring those traumas. Like it or not, I’m starting to pick at those scabs. The wounds are far from healed. They’re going to be raw, open, and breathtakingly painful for a while yet.
But I’m coming out of the long dark winter. My soul is beginning to come back to life in the way it was always meant to be. I’m coming into my own, a life on my terms instead of what I think is expected of me.
The buds are small, but life is there. And, like that lilac bush, I’ll bloom once again.
BB/Chan Eil Eagal Orm