Thoughts on purging the past

Entry road to Carberry Manor, Scotland

So, yeah, I’ve been busy.

Writing has been happening. I’m working on a schedule, a way to get a few hundred words done every day Monday-Friday, with bigger blocks done over the weekend.

I’ve also been purging a lot of old papers. The new file cabinet arrived, was assembled, and put in place. Filled it up of what was to be kept, got rid of the old cabinet and an old dresser.

The new shredder arrived, and I’m slowly going through the 2.5 bins full of stuff that either needs recycling or shredded. I don’t want to overwork the new shredder, and the recycle bin’s already full, so the whole project is going to take another 2-3 weeks to finish.

I mean, everything may be sorted and/or shredded…but I’m at the mercy of the trash pick up schedule. And I’m mindful that there’s other recycling that has to go into the bin, so I can’t fill it up the day it gets emptied!

The shredded bits get dumped in the yard waste bin. If I get that part done before Friday, it should all disappear.

I’ve got 1 bin + of stuff to be donated. Plan is to get it in my car, then try and remember to drop it off on my way home one day. That may involve a strategically placed post-it note!

One side effect of all this paper shuffling is letting go of some things from the past. Things I held onto because, at the time, they gave me good memories. Now? It’s just another piece of paper.

I haven’t been the best, mentally and emotionally, for a while. If I go back 6 years and count up all the hits I’ve gotten, it’s a daunting list. And I want to be happy. The type of happy I feel when I’m writing, but just because I’m awake and moving around. The new job is part of that. Yes, hours are longer and so is the commute. But I feel appreciated, wanted, and valued for my intelligence and creativity.

I didn’t get that in retail. I was just another body behind a register.

To that end, I’m meeting with a counselor every few weeks. The goal is to unlearn bad stuff instilled when I was a child and figure out exactly what makes me happy. Find my voice and be able to vocalize what I need instead of shutting down, staying silent.

I’m a product of ‘children should be seen and not heard’, and I need to do this to find that happy. My voice is, for the most part, limited to my writing.

It needs to have the freedom to be heard every day, and not just on the page.

The past can’t be undone. The future hasn’t been written in stone. But I have to reconcile past pain to make the future what I want it to be.

BB/Chan Eil Eagal Orm

One thought on “Thoughts on purging the past

  1. This is a good time for you to work on your future. Making the present better is work, but I can tell you from experience it’s worth the effort. I used to have what I called “land mines”, things from my past that would trip me up and destroy whatever I was doing. They are gone now, and I can safely walk my path. I hope the same will be true of yours.

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